Thursday, December 29, 2011

Change you can believe in!

      One of the biggest life changes I had in 2010 was moving in with my bestie, Anita. One of the biggest life changes I had in 2011 was moving out of the apartment we shared. Sometimes I still have moments where I miss our little home together. Living with Anita just felt so much like home. It always smelled good and was full of pretty things and the kitchen was always a mess because it was full of food and we were constantly cooking. I miss just stretching out on her bedroom floor for no reason and talking about nothing. I only had a year of independence between living with my parents and being married and I don't think I could have spent it any other way or with anyone else. I think I'll always look back on that year and be a little jealous of myself.
    And, obviously, I can't look back on 2011 and what changed without mentioning the fact that I GOT MARRIED! We've been hitched for 5 months and one week now, and the most I've learned is that marriage is a mysterious thing. For one, I always thought that somewhere in the decision to get married it'd be one of those things where you just know. I hoped it wasn't some sort of logical, methodical decision making where you have to weigh the pros and cons or somehow attempt to look into the future and assess how you could feel or what you'd want from this person years down the road. That is an impossible and improbable way to decide anything. And 5 months in, I know that I was right. Within two weeks of dating Thad I knew we were gonna get married. And it wasn't some impulsive, irrational decision. It was as simple as just knowing. The point is, I still have these random moments of feeling such an extreme peace and happiness knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be. And Thad and I are going down the exact road we're meant to go down.
    For two, I think it's cute, and funny, and alarming all the things the person you're married to becomes in your life. He literally is my best friend, my roommate, the love of my life, my partner in crime, the shoulder I cry on, my cuddle buddy, occasionally my closet organizer, my academic supporter, the person that all at once can aggravate me the most & calm me the most, and I still have a major crush on him. We can switch from having a serious conversation to chasing each other around the kitchen and back to the conversation in a snap. The relationship I have with Thad is a singular one. There is absolutely nothing else like it in my life. Marriage is funny.
    The holidays this year were both great and confusing. With the loss of my grandma and the changes that came in its wake, Thanksgiving for me seems to be the hardest. Thanksgiving has always been a holiday celebrated at my grandparents house, with my grandpa's cooking. Anything else doesn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. Last year, having to change the tradition was difficult but somehow this year felt worse. I suppose it was the cementing of the change. Last year represented a significant loss, and even though it was 11 months after her death I was still mourning; this year, the acceptance has set in but Thanksgiving was the official hallmark of how the holidays will be celebrated. They will never again be what I've thought they're supposed to be. Now, my parents house is the destination, and it's my dad in the kitchen. He's officially taken up the reins (and because he's good at anything he wants to be good at, the food is BOMB). Any year now there's bound to be kids introduced to the mixed, which also represents a new phase in the roles of the generations represented. It's all so strange.
   But, let's face it. The holidays with my family are bound to be amazing. My dad IS Santa, except in shape. Really though. You've never met anyone that loves Christmas as much as my dad does, and it's infectious. My family LOVES giving gifts, and we all grin like fools when we watch someone open a present we wrapped for them. I've also never seen Thad so happy to get a gift as he did when he opened my dad's series of gifts. Like I said, he's Santa but better, and now Thad gets to be a part of it.
   A week from today I go back to school. When I first tossed the idea around to Thad he was so supportive  I was taken back. It was really just a thought and then bam--he pushed me to find out what kind of program I wanted to finish, what would the timeline look like, etc. I really didn't know when I flippantly sent my transcripts and application to ASU whether I'd get in, or if I really even wanted to, or actually how I felt at all about any of it but the second I got the acceptance letter I was 100% commited and unbelievably excited. Truthfully, I haven't given a second thought to school since I left two years ago and have felt zero motivation to go back until the past couple weeks &now I'm counting down the days.
   Having Thad's support is huge. My dad seems excited too since he bought me some fancy goin-back-to-school gear, including a tricked out scanner and one of them note-takin voice-recording and note-digitizing pens. How cute.
   I can't wait for 2012, no matter what the Mayans are saying to try to bring me down. 2011 was so grand, I'm sure it'll only get better from here.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I've read this somewhere before, and just crossed paths with it again:

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.” 


--Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of A True Story


Klosterman is a hipster weirdo, but I sometimes appreciate his passing commentaries.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It's beginning to look a lot like;

They say the first year of marriage is always the hardest.

I don't know who 'they' is, but I think they're only half right.

Every year is hard, but being joined for life with the person you love most in the world, well doesn't that make it easier? It does for me. The last 4 months have had me somewhere between walking on eggshells and burying my head in the sand. (Which reminds me, I met my first scoripion recently. I almost went 23 years in the desert without the introduction. Can I please now go another 23?)

So the most recent details on my day to day are something along the lines of, blah blah blah and then I went back to school. And somewhere in there Thad and I had our arguments and our all-day snugglethons and I slept many a night alone while he worked his 36 hour shifts, and I love him today more than I did when I married him ('they' also warn of this phenomenon) and I still wanna kick him in the shin when he doesn't ever--and I do mean EVER--close ANY cabinet doors. I mean, he'll put the dishes away, wanting to do something nice for me, and I'll walk into the kitchen and it's like that scene in The Sixth Sense when the mom doesn't believe the kid about seeing dead people and she leaves the kitchen and comes back and EVERY drawer and cabinet door and even the dishwasher door is open but the kid didn't even get up. It's like that. And I'll ask him, why do you do that? And he'll say, every time, "I don't know!" So now, when I'm getting up in the morning and it's still dark and cold outside and I walk into the bathroom, without thinking I reach out around my thigh for the bathroom cabinet door to be open, because I still have a bruise around that same area on my thigh from running into it so many times. But now, when I'm reaching out for the door, knowing I'll need to shut it if he was the last one in the bathroom, I actually feel overwhelmingly blessed. Because if that cabinet door wasn't open, it would mean Thad hadn't been there, and if Thad hadn't been there, my night was incomplete, guaranteed I didn't sleep as well, my toes were cold, and no one fought with me over the blanket.

So anyway, I'm figuring out my classes at ASU for next semester, and I worked my first shift at my new store today. It was a very strange feeling but I'll get back into the routine of things. I miss my old team already, but if I wasn't accustomed to change by now I'd be a rather miserable person.

We got our first Christmas tree a few weeks ago and it's beautiful and my eyes actually watered a little bit from happiness when we were checking out at Lowe's. I inherited some of my dad's Christmas tree nazi-ism and by that I don't mean we want to destroy certain trees but that decorating the tree is like....a really big deal. And I didn't even do that great of a job (the top is blue and the bottom is red, it looks like it has schizophrenia) but the point is that its our tree and our lights and we bought all the presents underneath for our families and it's just the happiest darn thing that's ever happened to me I think.

The high is 53 today so it's finally beginning to feel like Christmas!!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Play crack the sky;

Send out the sos call
a quarter past four in the morning
the storm broke the second anchor line
four months at sea
four months of calm seas to be pounded
in the shallows off the tip of montauk point 
the calm rows, they travel
fast and alone
100 foot faces of God's good ocean
gone wrong
what they call love is a risk
you always get hit out of nowhere
by some wave
and end up on your own.


the hole in the hull defied the crews attempt
to bail us out
but a flood in the engine
half buried the bow


your tongue is a rudder
it steers the whole ship
sends your words past your lips
or keeps them safe behind your teeth
but the wrong words will strand you
come off course while you sleep
sweep your boat out to sea
or dashed to bits on the reef


the vessels groans,
the ocean pressures it's frame
to the port I see the lighthouse 
through the sleet and the rain,
and I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts
the morning finds our bodies washed up 30 miles west


they say that the captain stays fast with the ship
thru still and storm
but this ain't the dakota
and the water's cold
won't have to fight for long


this is the end
this story's old but it goes on and on
until we disappear
calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed
while you were underneath
i am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains
sunk below the sea
i spoke the words but never
gave a thought to what
they all could mean
i know that this is what you want
a funeral keeps both of us apart
you know that you are not a lone
need you like water in my lungs


this story's old but it goes on and on
until we disappear
calm me and let me taste
the salt you breathed while you were underneath
i spoke the words but never gave a thought
to what they all could mean
i know that this is what you want
a funeral keeps both of us apart
you know that you are not alone
need you like water in my lungs



Monday, October 10, 2011

I Wish I Was The Moon.

When I was driving to Irvine last Thursday night, & Thad's forehead was on his knees and it was just my iPod, my iced coffee, the moon, and myself, it hit me that maybe I'm in the wrong profession. Was I destined to be a trucker and I missed my calling? I could've driven all night and the whole next day through and been just as elated as I had when we left the In In Out drive thru. You know. The promise of going far, far away. The way the excitement of a road trip peaks in the first hour and never quite comes back? I never had that. Not this time.

I listened to the same 10 songs over and over and felt like I was racing the moon to California. It occurred to me then -- somewhere between Blythe and Chiriaco Summit, somewhere after the "STATE PRISON 2 MILES" sign and the "DO NOT PICK UP HITCHIKERS" sign -- that I have not felt altogether myself lately.

I felt strange being alone in the desert. Unavailable. I felt like a phone off the hook. I felt awkward, with only myself to attend to. I revisited winding paths of daydreams I used to have. How long had it been since I'd daydreamed?

Daydreams say a lot about a person. They are concious choices. Where you want to be, what you want to say, the things you want to have, re-creations of things you wished you could have done/said/felt. It was like being re-introduced to myself.

Thankfully, by the time we made it to Irvine I was too delirious to think much of anything, other than how comfortable Sue's couch felt.

Thad and I are extremely grateful for Sue and Lane. I have never left an encounter with them without having been sharpened/uplifted/encouraged. It's also really nice having an excuse to go to Disneyland. The way reading Hemingway tastes like salt, being at Disneyland feels like childhood happy. Lane and I were discussing how even the dirty water/gunpowder smell of Pirates of the Carribbean feels magical.

So we had a long and tiring weekend, and Thad came home sick, but it was good for us.

It's just that now I'm here and I don't know what to do.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Memento Mori:

I decided to organize my iTunes library today.

Two hours later, I've gotten very little done but stumbled across songs I forgot I had. Mostly just forgotten that I love.

A few of them:

Thrice, "The Music Box"  Vheissu
Jimmy Eat World, "Get It Faster" Bleed American
The Format, "Dog Problems" not the album version
mewithoutYou, A to B Life--the whole dang album
Say Anything, "Alive With the Glory of Love"

Action Action, "Eighth Grade Summer Romance" Don't Cut Your Fabric to this Year's Fashion
Amy Winehouse, "Me and Mr. Jones" Back to Black

Journey, "Faithfully"
Florence + The Machine, "Dog Days Are Over" Lungs
ACDC, "Hells Bells" Back in Black
Death Cab For Cutie, "A Lack of Color" Transatlanticism
Walls. No context necessary.

Reverend Horton Heat, "Baddest of the Bad"
Reuben's Accomplice, "In and Out of Key" The Bull, the Balloon, the Family
The Fall of Troy, "F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X" !!!!!

Guns N Roses, "My Michelle" Appetite for Destruction
Head Automatica, "Beating Heart Baby" Decadence
Jack Johnson, "Breakdown" In Between Dreams
Kenny Chesney, "On the Coast of Somewhere Beautiful" No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problems
The Killers, "All These Things That I've Done" Hot Fuss
Led Zeppelin, "Hey What Can I Do?" B-Side of the Immigrant Song
Lovedrug, "In Red" Blackout
The Misfits, "Hybrid Moments"
John Mayer, "Not Myself"

Rilo Kiley, "More Adventurous"
The Snake, The Cross, The Crown, "On the Threshold of Eternity"
Vendetta Red, "Seconds Away" 

Modest Mouse, "Bukowski" Good News for People Who Love Bad News
MXPX, "Want Ad" Let It Happen
Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
Whatever "Track 06" on my Portishead album is
RHCP, "Slow Cheetah" Stadium Arcadium
Reverend Horton Heat, "Baddest of the Bad"
Reuben's Accomplice, "In and Out of Key" The Bull, the Balloon, the Family

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

October always means

great things happening to me.

I don't know what it is about October. I don't even like Halloween. But every October for years now something awesome has happened. It's to the point where I sit around in September and think, mmm mm, next month is gonna be sweet.

Right now the sweetness is that Starbucks fiscal years begin on October first. Meaning that starting October first, I will, for the first time ever, be able to say this quarter's numbers are MINE.

I won't bore you with the details, but just looking at the numbers from the two months I've been in position at the store I'm running now, we're hitting 7 out of 8 metrics on our business scorecard--the one metric I'm missing is turnover.

Yes, this is me brushing my nails on my shoulder. I won't bore you with the details but it means I'm awesome.

Also, Thad and I really wanted to hit the road to see Sue, Lane, and Mickey mouse soon but weren't sure about the timing/finances, etc., when BAM. The shop sells some machine that needs to be shipped to Southern California! So we're gonna hop in the u-haul sized truck the shop has, road trip it and make it a Sue/Lane/Disneyland weekend extravaganza.

Dear October, I missed you. :)

Friday, August 12, 2011

I'm Trying Out This New Thing,

& it's really embarrassing, but lately I've been drinking decaf.
Let me explain myself.

One afternoon, the week of the wedding, I was trying to clean the condo and get things put together and make it cute and clean and happy because I was in major nesting mode. I didn't feel great, but I figured it was stress/the million degrees outside/etc., when all the sudden I was knocked on my butt. I mean, couched. Couldn't get up. Sounds hurt, light hurt, I wanted to vomit, I felt like I couldn't move, I broke out into a cold sweat. I took an advil. When that didn't work, I took excedrin. When that didn't work, I took an Aleve.  And then it hit me: I hadn't had any caffeine. I tell Thad this and, appalled, we both go to Starbucks where I quickly consumed 46 ounces of various caffeinated beverages and within the hour, I felt like a human being again.

That being said, I clearly have a problem! I'll be hitting my 5 year anniversary with Starbucks on October 16th, and other than that day, not a day has gone by that I've existed without being caffeinated in those 5 years. Now, I've known that for a long time, but until now it hasn't bothered me. I've always thought, I'll quit drinking caffeine when I'm pregnant. Nothing short of pregnancy will stop me! That still may be true, but I suppose there's no reason not to slow it down a bit....

.....decaf just isn't the same. I still miss the sweet carress of a hefty shot of espresso in the morning, but all life is suffering, or something like that.

Thad had an awful day yesterday, &I got to experience firsthand the idea of our lives being "joined together" in that him being miserable made me miserable. I felt helpless so of course I called Sue. We decided that if we had a bad day, we'd want a massage and some chocolate. I knew this wouldn't do for Thad, or any male, really. So with Lane's help, I knew what video game to get him. But before you think I'm too shallow, what I really put effort into was praying for him. The Lord does answer prayer, because when he got back from his meeting he was definitely in a better mood.

The video game, the tomato-y beer and the spending time with me seemed to fix him up good and proper. So much so, that he didn't even mind watching Project Runway with me.

Speaking of prayer, who wants to suggest a good, Reformed book on the subject?

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

So I Married A....

I've been married to the love of my life for 18 whole, wonderful days! People keep asking me, so how's the married life? And I almost don't know how to respond, because it has only been 18 days, but also, it's so happy being married to Thad that I can't imagine life not being married to him. Ew, mush. But so true.

The week of the wedding was so long I thought it'd never end. It was so much more stressful than I thought it'd be, moving from the apartment to our new home. We both were living clear on the other end of town, and we didn't have any help moving. We didn't ask for any cause we severely underestimated how much work we had to do. Nonetheless, Thad blows me away by how much work he can get done in one day. 

In the middle of the moving, and the last minute details for the wedding getting figured out, Sue and Lane got here from California and our happy little family was reunited! There's something about those two being around that immediately makes both Thad and I feel better, and with all the stress, it was a huge blessing having them around 24 hours a day the days leading up to the wedding. 

The rehearsal dinner went great. It was so insane having all these people in one building that were coming together to support us. It really hit me that night what great people we have surrounding us, and I was so overwhelmed (I will probably use this word a lot) by all the support and people taking time out of their lives to make our wedding day all that it was.

For the few people left around that don't know, my bouquet was made out of jewelry. I knew years ago that I wouldn't want a whole bunch of flowers at my wedding, so when I stumbled across the idea of the bouquet made out of brooches, I had to do it. Not only do I think brooch bouquets are often way more stunning than any real flower bouquet, it provided some small comfort to me in that most of the brooches or old jewelry I have is from my grandma. Something I've only recently found peace with is that my grandma never met Thad. She so often talked to me of my future, and especially my future husband, that the thought of letting myself in through her front door with Thad and  introducing them and being able to say here he is! The one you always wanted for me! had brought more than a few tears on in the months leading up to the wedding. Maybe I'm overly emotional, maybe it was the stress of the planning, maybe the situation with my grandpa didn't help. 

Anyway, I gathered brooches and jewelry from any lady close to me that wanted to donate and then I sent off what I had to Andrea, who was the creative genius behind the majority of everything creative and cute that happened at my wedding. The miracle worker that she is put it together herself. My mom got to see it before I did, and everytime she brought it up would start to cry because she loved it so much.  What she didn't know is that Andrea and Shelli used the extra brooches that didn't go into my bouquet to create a small one for her. I gave it to her at the rehearsal dinner and she nearly imploded. Poor little lady was so taken by surprise, and of course loved it so much, she was a complete and total wreck--but a cute one, of course.



After the rehearsal dinner, the majority of the bridal party was standing outside the church discussing where we should go. I wanted to hang out with everyone a little bit and Janae--in a typical Janae move--suggested the perfect place for us to go. My mom popped her head in the circle and asked what was up. Sue--in typical Sue fashion--threw out a hilarious one liner--"We're going out, wanna come?" and of course, my mom being mom, wanted to come! So the bridal party and the ushers and my mom all met up at La Bocca on Mill, where I proceeded to have one of the best sangria's I've ever had, &got to hang out with the majority of my favorite people alive. Did I mention my mom came? Cute.

The morning of the wedding I woke up with Sue next to me and in case you've never done that, it's a super way to start your day! I called my mom and put her on speakerphone and Sue and I nearly died laughing because this was my mom: Out of breath "Hi, how are you, I'm on the treadmill, I know I said I'd take the day off but I can't, I woke up this morning just so happy for you!" &she choked out the last few words before breaking in to tears. 

I spent the rest of the morning jumping on the bed, taking a shower, catching up on the blogs I haven't read in awhile, and jumping on the bed. Sue took me to the Sephora, where I was getting my face painted, and then all of us ladies met at my empty apartment where Janae did our hair. 

The rest of the day from there starts to blur for me. I remember being completely at peace. People kept asking me how I'm doing, and what was really bothering me was the waiting. I mean--I was just ready to get going! I never had one of those, ohmygosh I'm getting married! moments. More so just the....I'm so happy it's finally here, when is it gonna be 630 already? moments. 

The next big moment of clarity I had was when Thad and I were at the "altar" and it hit me just how good he looks in a suit. And I thought boy I'm so lucky, and I can't wait for the next excuse I get to put him in a suit. 

Everything that day just went so smoothly. I'm still overwhelmed by all the help we had in putting it together. All the people that came to Noah's early to string up lights and put out decorations and to make sure I had a stress-free day, and my sweet bridal party, and my sweet mom for keeping it together....I just can't get over it.

After the wedding we went and stayed at the Biltmore Hotel. And I'll skip the details of that but we had a really sweet night. 

Sunday we left for Cancun. It was so sweet to go on vacation just Thad and I! We did nothing but sleep and eat and order room service and sleep and eat and occasionally frolick on the beach. We didn't take a whole lot of pictures but here are the few that we did:

The view from our front door

View from the back door

We ate lunch here every day

Thad, and his Two X's

Random delivery from room service

Our room!

The first week back from the honeymoon was ROUGH. There was so much for me to catch up on at work, and so many changes that happened over 2 weeks, it felt like a whirlwind. We were slightly jetlagged but being on "we just got married we are so happy" high really helped. 

Some of my favorite things about being married so far are:

I don't always have to make the bed
Husband cuddles
I usually cook too much food, but now it's okay
When I scream, there's a cricket! I don't have to kill it
I love doing laundry, now there's more of it
My husband does dishes!
We don't live in separate places anymore
I'm Aiden's aunt now--for real!
I got a whole new, amazing family
Now when I clean, I feel like it's an act of service, not just self-service

Those are just to name a few. :) 




Monday, July 11, 2011

11 Days&Counting!

I'm laying in bed with a cup of tea and a blanket and a box of tissues. NOT how I planned on spending my Monday...

The wedding is in 11 days. It has not set in yet!

This is where we're going after: