Thursday, December 29, 2011

Change you can believe in!

      One of the biggest life changes I had in 2010 was moving in with my bestie, Anita. One of the biggest life changes I had in 2011 was moving out of the apartment we shared. Sometimes I still have moments where I miss our little home together. Living with Anita just felt so much like home. It always smelled good and was full of pretty things and the kitchen was always a mess because it was full of food and we were constantly cooking. I miss just stretching out on her bedroom floor for no reason and talking about nothing. I only had a year of independence between living with my parents and being married and I don't think I could have spent it any other way or with anyone else. I think I'll always look back on that year and be a little jealous of myself.
    And, obviously, I can't look back on 2011 and what changed without mentioning the fact that I GOT MARRIED! We've been hitched for 5 months and one week now, and the most I've learned is that marriage is a mysterious thing. For one, I always thought that somewhere in the decision to get married it'd be one of those things where you just know. I hoped it wasn't some sort of logical, methodical decision making where you have to weigh the pros and cons or somehow attempt to look into the future and assess how you could feel or what you'd want from this person years down the road. That is an impossible and improbable way to decide anything. And 5 months in, I know that I was right. Within two weeks of dating Thad I knew we were gonna get married. And it wasn't some impulsive, irrational decision. It was as simple as just knowing. The point is, I still have these random moments of feeling such an extreme peace and happiness knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be. And Thad and I are going down the exact road we're meant to go down.
    For two, I think it's cute, and funny, and alarming all the things the person you're married to becomes in your life. He literally is my best friend, my roommate, the love of my life, my partner in crime, the shoulder I cry on, my cuddle buddy, occasionally my closet organizer, my academic supporter, the person that all at once can aggravate me the most & calm me the most, and I still have a major crush on him. We can switch from having a serious conversation to chasing each other around the kitchen and back to the conversation in a snap. The relationship I have with Thad is a singular one. There is absolutely nothing else like it in my life. Marriage is funny.
    The holidays this year were both great and confusing. With the loss of my grandma and the changes that came in its wake, Thanksgiving for me seems to be the hardest. Thanksgiving has always been a holiday celebrated at my grandparents house, with my grandpa's cooking. Anything else doesn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. Last year, having to change the tradition was difficult but somehow this year felt worse. I suppose it was the cementing of the change. Last year represented a significant loss, and even though it was 11 months after her death I was still mourning; this year, the acceptance has set in but Thanksgiving was the official hallmark of how the holidays will be celebrated. They will never again be what I've thought they're supposed to be. Now, my parents house is the destination, and it's my dad in the kitchen. He's officially taken up the reins (and because he's good at anything he wants to be good at, the food is BOMB). Any year now there's bound to be kids introduced to the mixed, which also represents a new phase in the roles of the generations represented. It's all so strange.
   But, let's face it. The holidays with my family are bound to be amazing. My dad IS Santa, except in shape. Really though. You've never met anyone that loves Christmas as much as my dad does, and it's infectious. My family LOVES giving gifts, and we all grin like fools when we watch someone open a present we wrapped for them. I've also never seen Thad so happy to get a gift as he did when he opened my dad's series of gifts. Like I said, he's Santa but better, and now Thad gets to be a part of it.
   A week from today I go back to school. When I first tossed the idea around to Thad he was so supportive  I was taken back. It was really just a thought and then bam--he pushed me to find out what kind of program I wanted to finish, what would the timeline look like, etc. I really didn't know when I flippantly sent my transcripts and application to ASU whether I'd get in, or if I really even wanted to, or actually how I felt at all about any of it but the second I got the acceptance letter I was 100% commited and unbelievably excited. Truthfully, I haven't given a second thought to school since I left two years ago and have felt zero motivation to go back until the past couple weeks &now I'm counting down the days.
   Having Thad's support is huge. My dad seems excited too since he bought me some fancy goin-back-to-school gear, including a tricked out scanner and one of them note-takin voice-recording and note-digitizing pens. How cute.
   I can't wait for 2012, no matter what the Mayans are saying to try to bring me down. 2011 was so grand, I'm sure it'll only get better from here.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I've read this somewhere before, and just crossed paths with it again:

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.” 

--Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of A True Story

Klosterman is a hipster weirdo, but I sometimes appreciate his passing commentaries.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It's beginning to look a lot like;

They say the first year of marriage is always the hardest.

I don't know who 'they' is, but I think they're only half right.

Every year is hard, but being joined for life with the person you love most in the world, well doesn't that make it easier? It does for me. The last 4 months have had me somewhere between walking on eggshells and burying my head in the sand. (Which reminds me, I met my first scoripion recently. I almost went 23 years in the desert without the introduction. Can I please now go another 23?)

So the most recent details on my day to day are something along the lines of, blah blah blah and then I went back to school. And somewhere in there Thad and I had our arguments and our all-day snugglethons and I slept many a night alone while he worked his 36 hour shifts, and I love him today more than I did when I married him ('they' also warn of this phenomenon) and I still wanna kick him in the shin when he doesn't ever--and I do mean EVER--close ANY cabinet doors. I mean, he'll put the dishes away, wanting to do something nice for me, and I'll walk into the kitchen and it's like that scene in The Sixth Sense when the mom doesn't believe the kid about seeing dead people and she leaves the kitchen and comes back and EVERY drawer and cabinet door and even the dishwasher door is open but the kid didn't even get up. It's like that. And I'll ask him, why do you do that? And he'll say, every time, "I don't know!" So now, when I'm getting up in the morning and it's still dark and cold outside and I walk into the bathroom, without thinking I reach out around my thigh for the bathroom cabinet door to be open, because I still have a bruise around that same area on my thigh from running into it so many times. But now, when I'm reaching out for the door, knowing I'll need to shut it if he was the last one in the bathroom, I actually feel overwhelmingly blessed. Because if that cabinet door wasn't open, it would mean Thad hadn't been there, and if Thad hadn't been there, my night was incomplete, guaranteed I didn't sleep as well, my toes were cold, and no one fought with me over the blanket.

So anyway, I'm figuring out my classes at ASU for next semester, and I worked my first shift at my new store today. It was a very strange feeling but I'll get back into the routine of things. I miss my old team already, but if I wasn't accustomed to change by now I'd be a rather miserable person.

We got our first Christmas tree a few weeks ago and it's beautiful and my eyes actually watered a little bit from happiness when we were checking out at Lowe's. I inherited some of my dad's Christmas tree nazi-ism and by that I don't mean we want to destroy certain trees but that decorating the tree is like....a really big deal. And I didn't even do that great of a job (the top is blue and the bottom is red, it looks like it has schizophrenia) but the point is that its our tree and our lights and we bought all the presents underneath for our families and it's just the happiest darn thing that's ever happened to me I think.

The high is 53 today so it's finally beginning to feel like Christmas!!