Friday, January 6, 2012

"Back to School" or "The D-Bag With The Dragon Tattoo"

   I picked my scholastic endeavors back up today with gusto. I mean, I wore my reading glasses for heaven's sake. (I would cite the fact that I was 45 minutes early to class as a display of excitement, but everyone knows I'm 45 minutes early to everything.) I seriously felt like it was my first day of kindergarten, I was so jazzed.
   I worked for a little bit this morning, and it was the first shift at 24th St. and Baseline that I actually felt like I was working at the highest volume store this side of the I-60. I literally did nothing but bust my butt making drinks for 5 solid hours. They never stopped. It was relentless. It was awesome. When I got home I immediately sat down and passed out. Thirty minutes later I bolted upright and practically jumped in my car from my second story window. Bat out of hell.
   Of course I had a trenta iced tea with me, so the first order of business for me when I got on campus was finding a bathroom. I found them in a corner of the Language and Lit building and walked into one of the two that wasn't occupied. What met me when I walked into that bathroom immediately sent a flood of adrenaline through my body because I literally had walked into a scene from a horror movie. The only thing missing was a dead body, although I can't say for certain that there weren't bits of one. I just dry heaved thinking about it. I was sent into fight or flight mode immediately. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I actually looked for a demon hiding in the corner of the ceiling, because that is the only possible creature that could inhabit that space. It took me probably 15 seconds to extract myself from the situation. Never, in my entire life, not even on road trips or somewhere in the middle of the desert in Texas or next door to Leatherface have I encountered such an atrocity of a bathroom.
   There was a bathroom next to this one that was occupied. I stood in the hallway between the two of them hoping that maybe--just maybe--this other one had not also been destroyed by Satan's minions. I had nowhere else to go. Being late to class was not an option. So I stood, and hoped, and waited. Just then, one of those creatures from Avatar walked around the corner and headed for The Devil's Bathroom. Okay, not really, she wasn't an alien but she was taller than Thad, barely seemed capable of controlling her incredibly long and spindly legs, and probably weighed 95lbs. I immediately felt bad for her (knowing that she could not ward off the terrors of the bathroom like I could) so I warned her. I told her not to go in there. I must've looked something desperate, or either extremely serious (possibly disturbed), because she said she'd take my word for it and she waited in the hall with me.
   After a few minutes we both were curious about the bathroom that was occupied. I mean, who hangs out in a bathroom for that long? So Avatar knocked on the door and asked if anyone was in there. Just then, we heard the absolute loudest snorting noise I've ever heard in my life. Like, Hunter S. Thompson would've been proud type loud. And then we heard banging, and then someone said Just a minute! A few minutes (and I'm assuming a few lines) later, a girl with bright pink hair and bloodshot eyes walks out. Wiping her nose. How subtle. I had a moment where I thought, I bet this is the kind of girl I end up having to sit next to in class.
   Guess who sat down next to me in class five minutes later? Pink hair, white nostrils and all?
   The highlight of my experience today was my professor. I've yet to have an english teacher that I have not absolutely adored. Maybe it's cause I see me in them sometimes. For example, some of my favorite nuggets from his dialogue today: "I was going to do X but then I did something else instead" or "A day without caffeine is wasted" or "I had a student complain about me one time and I didn't care" or "If you write me an email and don't use punctuation I will delete it" or "I don't listen to voicemails, so if you leave me one, I will never ever hear it and I will deny even having that option on my phone."
   So basically I'm super stoked for this class in particular and I know it will be my absolute favorite, despite that pink hair white nostrils thinks she is a literary GENIUS, and whose best answer for Professor Farmer's question "What do you think this story is about?" resulted in her shouting "Penises!" I will just continue to ignore that that is even happening and be sure to sit elsewhere on Monday. (By the way, the story was about a school shooting.)
   The LL building is on University and College. So while I was standing at the light, ironically enough next to Avatar again, I was struggling breathing because I had to go to the bathroom so badly. I was pulling a Jason Bourne weighing where all the nearest bathrooms may or may not be and which would be the shortest distance away. Obviously I skipped the bathrooms in the LL because I will never subject myself to such a blight on humanity again. And that's when it happened. A d-bag with a dragon tattoo on his calf long-boarded his way, without even the slightest hesitation, right into Avatar.
   Remember how I told you that Avatar is built similarly to a baby giraffe? The poor thing literally went flying into the road. I mean, on her hands and knees in the middle of University Ave. D-Bag with the dragon tattoo turned around and yelled sorry but KEPT ROLLING ON HIS RUDE WAY, whilst I stepped into the road, grabbed her by the bicep--or, rather, her humerus bone--and picked her up. The poor thing was practically hysterical and she had cuts all over her hands and her tights were torn at one knee. I offered her some antibacterial lotion for her hands (because that's what I'd do!) but she declined, because it "would hurt." I thought about telling her that infections that lead to your hands being chopped off hurt even more but it was right then that I realized I was literally going to pee on campus my first day at school if I did not locate the nearest restroom in the next ten seconds so I told her I was terribly sorry about the jerk with the dragon tattoo and bolted.
   Across the street from where all this went down there are like, a million fast food places. This was where I planned on finding relief. To my dismay, the first one I went into didn't have a bathroom. And....neither did the second. Or third. At this point, just the sound of the ice moving around in my cup was making me grind my teeth with anxiety. I saw a building next to the parking garage I was parked in that looked snazzy and it looked like I had absolutely no business going in there and I was sure that at this point in my day I looked half crazed, but I went in anyway.  And wouldn't you know it? The bathroom I walked into was like an oasis. It was so clean, and so pristine, and so dang fancy you could eat in there and not even feel like a vagabond. The fake bricks in one of the walls were made of this opaline glass that made me forget how bad my stomach hurt for a second. The sink lit up from underneath and the soap smelled like lavender. Once I was relieved, and my blood pressure went back to normal and my eyes quit bulging out of my head it hit me that this bathroom is like, 100 yards away from the bathroom in the LL that should be bulldozed. Why do the fancy pants students in this building get to use 5 star bathrooms while the students in the LL are reduced to a bathroom unfit for rats? I think I'm going to petition for this injustice to be corrected.
   Well that was my first day at ASU. Now I'm going to enjoy all the clean sights and smells of my bathrooms at home and watch the Swedish version of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo!

1 comment:

Susan said...

Please recap everyday of your life like this. I'd suscribe, follow, STALK, whatever I could do to drain every piece of juice out of every one of your sentences. Also. Normally it's my thing to not use any capitalization whatsoever in my comments, but your ASU English teacher inspired me.