It's been six years since I've seriously written (can a 17 year old seriously write?). I can tell you the day and hour and the minute I decided I was done for. And every attempt I've made since then has been the recycled cloth bag Whole Foods sells you: you buy it but you can never use it and then you remember you didn't really want it anyway but it's always the same, you forget to bring it with you to the store. My "Documents" folder is a wasteland of the same unfinished prototypes, and has been that way for so long I forgot what it's like to want to write, for fear it would resemble all of its dead brothers and sisters.
I allowed someone to convince me that I have nothing to say.
So yesterday I was going thru my documents folder, attempting a file cleanup, and I stumbled across....well, I didn't know what it was. It was just a page, and since I didn't remember writing it I assumed it was a short story I had to read for a class and I read it and I really liked it, so I read it again. Then, because it's what I do, I started editing it. I thought, this story should not be in the third person, so I changed it to first. And I upgraded some outdated adjectives and I swapped passive for active and I left some plotline in the negative and it wasn't til I was almost done that I remembered why I wrote this (incredibly sad story). Reading what I wrote, and being so distanced from the writing of it, felt like reading a story someone else wrote. I wrote something I would like to read. I haven't done that in a very, very long time.
All that being said, people, the important ones in my life, are constantly begging me to write and I'm constantly begging myself not to (unless you count this blog, which I don't, it's word vomit) because I'm afraid it will be the same old same old wasteland of unfinished files and zombie prototypes haunting me, but here's to hoping I'm wrong.
When I did write, and write all the time, and was proud of what I wrote, I flat refused to write without the right music. There was many a time that I spent solid hours of "writing" time just fishing for the right music to listen to, and in my head that was just as important to what I was writing as words themselves.
As I wrote feverishly yesterday these are the songs I had on repeat:
Hand Covers Bruise--Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross
Ever (Foreign Flag)--Team Sleep
And the albums I had on loop:
Anything Dex Romweber Duo
So maybe I'll finally write again. Or maybe I'll get swallowed up again. To be seen.