Monday, September 17, 2012
Sixty Days. Don't Hold Your Applause.
Today marks 60 days since I have seen my husband. I wish I could eloquently describe what that's like but....words fail me.
What I really wish I could eloquently describe is what the past sixty days of my life have been like. I have in fact lived a lifetime in the past 60 days. I look older, there's no doubt; and so does my little peanut baby.
The wretch that I am, sixty days ago I was riding a rollercoaster of emotion, none of the least of which was anger. Sadness prevailed at first. The night before I left Georgia I sat outside on the steps of my friends home and had to call my mommy in an attempt to stem the tears. It was, after all, my anniversary. And I was, after all, getting on a plane without my husband.
But the overwhelming anger I felt towards God....now that was a new thing for me. God let me down. God left me in a ditch. God was driving the car and God sank it in a river. God's plan for me was misery. Or at least, that's what I thought.
I spent far too many days unable to pray. My faithless, wretched heart did not know what to pray for. Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. I sent up many a word of pleading. Incoherent pleading.
I don't know when everything changed. It's like CS Lewis said, "Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different." Maybe it was the first time I was able to pray for Thad. Maybe it was when I began to dig myself into the Word again. But the Lord took my hand and allowed me to see. See things that I've always mentally known but never had to emotionally sink my teeth in to.
Life is not over. Every day the sun rises. Every day my child grows.
Every day is filled with blessings, none are too small to not be of comfort, if only I'm willing to put them into perspective.
I do not control today. No amount of exertion on my part will command the outcome of all of this. My job is to glorify God in all of this. No excuses.
I have hope. Because I cannot see it does not mean it does not exist.
How many times have I sang "tis to sweet to trust in Jesus" but spent all of my breaths trusting in myself to get myself through? The fact is is that until now, until God opened my eyes so that I could see, I had not one iota of understanding of what it is to truly trust in the sovereignty of God. The peace that flows from this is beyond words.
The scriptures bite into my soul like never before. My prayers have taken on a new tone. The Lord has scooped me up off of the floor and given me an entirely new life--both literally and spiritually. What a testament to the mercy of God that he uses evil for good. What a testament to the depravity of man that we so often must be brought to the dirt before we fully lift our eyes to heaven.
The road before us as a family is a long, winding one, and I don't know where it leads. But I don't need to. I only need know the God that built the road and keeps me safely on the path. And I was oh so wrong just sixty days ago. God's plan for me is not misery and I have not been left in a ditch. I have been lifted up and protected and cared for. This life I live, this next breath I breathe, is mercy. So if what little I've shared of my story crosses your mind, I hope you think of all the love and mercy and protection and wonderful things that have come from the Lord's hand--and don't bother to hold your applause for the God of the universe.