When Thad first went to No Longer Bound in July, there were quite a few things I had to deal with emotionally. The one that lingered the longest was my anger and straight up fear of going through labor and delivery without the one person I really wanted to be by my side. I was angry that we wouldn't be sharing what will probably be one of the most important moments of our lives together. I was angry that I have to go through something so difficult without him. Obviously, there was a lot for me to work through there.
So I cried every day for the first 93 days he was gone, like clockwork, thinking about giving birth to our child without him. And I know he prayed for me a lot about that because (other than telling me he was) I certainly wasn't praying about it like I should have, and God rescued me from my anxiety. I don't know when exactly it happened but one day, thinking about this just didn't make me cry anymore. And one day, I just accepted that God's plan is better than mine, even when it doesn't feel like it. Obviously this was God working all these things out in my mind, and I'm really glad that Thad petitioned for Him to do so.
So when, two weeks ago, after I had clocked out from my shift and I was taking a load off in the back room at work and decided to check my email and got the news from the program director at NLB that they would be allowing Thad to come home for a few days for the holidays, I began bawling hysterically--but my first thought wasn't that he'd get to be here for the birth. I had so emotionally unattached myself from the idea of having him by my side for that that all I could think about was how not terrible Christmas would be this year.
.....but now it's sunk in. Thad is going to be here for Christmas. My due date is December 20th and he lands the evening of the 21st. And ALL I WANT for Christmas is for my husband to meet my daughter.
So, enter anxiety. I know--I've heard it over and over--that *most* first-time moms deliver late, around week 41. But if I deliver late, Thad doesn't get to meet his daughter. I know that I live in 2012 so with modern medicine I could just induce labor whenever I want and problem solved....except that I never planned on induction. I never planned on any kind of drug being introduced into my labor/delivery, which is why I'm delivering with a midwife in a birthing center as opposed to an OBGYN in a hospital.
I'm a big fan of natural birth. I'm a big fan of letting Clementine decide when to make her entrance, and only when she's ready. Thad knows this, and if I could talk to him about all of it I know he'd probably tell me not to induce. But I can't talk to Thad about it--again, the only person I want to talk to about it, and who should have an opinion that counts--because NLB hasn't told Thad he's coming home yet.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have a decision to make, and I just want to make the right one for Clementine, for Thad, and for me. My prayer is A) for wisdom in making the right choice and B) that she will come right on time and no drugs necessary. In the meantime, I'm gonna do everything that my midwife suggests to bring labor on and try to find the funds to get this lady--http://doulalaurac.blogspot.com--to be my support during labor, especially if Thad cannot be there for it.